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Today's jokes [10.14.08]

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After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.
So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.
The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take
this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."
So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little
bottle. It was empty.
   The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said.
    "Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and
straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I
tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife
upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't
do it. "
    "So what did you do?" said the doctor.
    " We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure
she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc,
she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!"
  "But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"


Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four 
hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland -- "Left",  so they 
turned around and went home.


A Modest Essay 


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have 
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more 
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for 
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. 
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot 
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a 
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly 
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious 
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the 
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large 
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, 
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. 
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. 
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I 
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have 
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I 
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international 
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I 
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and 
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the 
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed 
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do 
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully 
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The 
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On 
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years 
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have 
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster 
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, 
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. 
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have 
spoken with Elvis. 

But I have not yet gone to college. 


    Build an Ark

   The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until
   the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want
   you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the
   blueprints for the ark."
   Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.
   Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.
   "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.
   "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
   "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to
   change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance
   by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience..
   "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a
   state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.
   "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the
   flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
   "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying
   taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission
   said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.
   "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."
   Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to
   Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to
   devastate the earth?"
   "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."


Q.  What do pub landlords say in Kosovo at chucking out time?

A.  "Come on you lot, have you not got any homes to go to?"


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