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Today's jokes [10.12.08]

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What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

1. 




Do you know what a dog and a screen door have in common?



the more you bang them the looser they get.


Sent by aaron

2. 




   Noon in the jungle.
   
   Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He
   rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.
   
   Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and
   they are laughing their heads off.
   
   Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you laughing?"
   
   Elephant: "We are fucking some monkeys"
   
   Lion: "Well, I do that as well, but I don't see what's so funny about
   it."
   
   Elephant: "Because they don't burst when YOU cum."
   
   (Alternatively, Elephant: "Because they don't turn inside-out when YOU
   pull it out.") 
   


3. 




A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly
screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp
washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.  As a
consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.  But, he
cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her
ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes
her first wish.  The first wish was for a billion dollars.  The genie grants
her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar
bills.  The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of
10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The
second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private
beach.  In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that
her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach
to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.
Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie
that she wants to make the last wish.  But, before she can do this, the
genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten
times what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.  For my last wish...

"Id like to give birth to twins".

4. 




A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he
said. "And you can have him for five dollars." The neighbour said, "Who do
you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such
animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he
pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,
never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in
America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten
times."
"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for
just five dollars?" "Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all
his lies."



5. 



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