Today's jokes [10.10.08]

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Guys,

I have never written asking for your help before, but I really need your
advice.  

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.  

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.  

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them.' 

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but  I
usually fall asleep.  

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with  my wife.  

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to finally check on her.  

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I  could get a
good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with
'the girls. ' 

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which  was
open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.  

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I  noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop
where I bought it?

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private
room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
"I hope not; it's only 2130 now.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911
operator told Bubba that she would send someone out
right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you
pick her up there?"

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested
at the airport for drug smuggling?

It seems she bent over and someone saw fifty
pounds of crack.... 

What is a man's best friend? 

    His dick because it always sitcks up for him. 

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