Today's stories [1.3.08]

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"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski , and
his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admittedfor
emergency treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil,
in," he explained. "As usual Kiki shouted out 'Armagedon," my cue that
he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out
again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light
might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next, "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair severely burning his face,. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. 

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them!"  (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a
kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."  (Kenny, 7)

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an 
hour east of Bakersfield, blonde new to boating was having aproblem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 
22-ft Bayliner to perform.  It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it 
was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power 
she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a 
nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough 
topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The 
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the 
correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, 
still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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