Today's jokes [1.8.08]

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What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a 
rectal thermometer?

The taste.

What does a lion call a antelope?

Fast food.


Sent by jessica

    As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming
   as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for
   months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn,
   etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No
   dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not
   tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for
   months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a
   rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the
   father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching
   at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
   He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord
   threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and
   punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his
   dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden
   area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed
   home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let
   the dog out.
   Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the
   house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog.
   Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to
   face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into
   his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he
   was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
   Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
   After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one
   morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're
   moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What
   happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: "Some sick bastard dug
   up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put
   it back in its cage."

   What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ?
   1) You only get laid once.
   2) You only get eaten once.
   3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water.
   4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
   5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
   

The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired

Chapter 1 - The Resume

     Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the
essence of your being to a potential employer.  You must grab
a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering
wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of
her parakeet's cage.  Write a boring resume and you might as well
run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the
appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to
live in.
     To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail!  Print your resume on hunter's
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack.  Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible.  Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!"  Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom.  Don't forget your
picture, too!  Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamour Shots on top.
     Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities.  Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
saleable skill.  Let's look at some examples of putting the best
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

     A mere burger flipper?  Why sell yourself so short?
Describe yourself as a "Grill Co-ordinator", or perhaps a
"Culinary Technician".

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

     Ah!  So you were previously employed in "Communication
Services!"  Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

     You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by
referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist."
Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular
Drama Studies."

"I worked in telemarketing."

     Die you scumbag.

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine."

     I see!  An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws
himself into his work!

     Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your
resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

     1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
     2) Goal-oriented
     3) Forward-thinking
     4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
     5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.


Chapter 2 - The Interview

     So now you've got that big chance to shine in person.  Once
again, you've got to stand out from the crowd!  First, consider
your apparel carefully.  Gold lame harem pants will leave a
lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available
in classier novelty stores.  Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe.  Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-
five.  And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so
make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom.  Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.  Here's
some suggestions for opening lines:

"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie,
that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their
Starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109,
it will be your last!"

     Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities.  Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
powers, activate!"
     Conclude the interview as notably as you began it.  A
gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new
dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr.
Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)"
And certainly don't forget the follow-up!  Unless a restraining
order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour
thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

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