Today's jokes [1.4.08]

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A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the
Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.
The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and
says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the
brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the
ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says,
"Hey! Cut it out, alright!"
The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with 
his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns
around and cuffs the rear tiger and says,
"I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.
After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass 
of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear 
tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"
The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get
the taste out of my mouth!"

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to
Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number. 
    The Redneck says "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way.
We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest
spread out for the next 19 years." 
    The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT
now! I won it, and I want it." 
    Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a
million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. 
    The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I
WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20
million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!

A man goes into a bar and sits down to have a drink....he notices that
at the other end of the bar is the most attractive woman he has ever
seen....he is immediately lust-struck and decides that he must have
her....He leans over to the bartender and asks if the bartender has any
Spanish-fly in the back....the bartender says he will check and comes
back a couple of minutes later with a small packet of white powder....he
says to the man..."this isn't Spanish-fly, we are all out of that....but
this is just as good....this is Jewish-fly, and it is guaranteed to get
her over here within twenty minutes after she takes it!" so the man
forks over his $10 and asks the bartender to put the Jewish-fly into a
champagne cocktail and deliver it to the gorgeous creature with his
compliments.....

The woman drinks the champagne cocktail and looks at our hero rather
disinterestedly.....but about twenty minutes later she slinks off her
barstool....she saunters across the room toward our hero in a most
seductive manner....oozing sensuality....our hero is terrifically
excited....she reaches him and puts one lithe arm around his shoulders
and leans in close to his ear...he can feel her breath on his
neck....and she whispers "Hey big boy....want to go shopping?"

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club 
when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the 
deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild 
buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, 
"Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste 
butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly 
ill and die."
Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. 
Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, 
"That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost 
hit the pussy willows."

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