Today's jokes [1.31.08]

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A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing for
her would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.
She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'd
just walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went past
the adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past the
preening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,
and past the colorful fish.

Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she was
looking for. She decided to go around the store again.

On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottom
of the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, he
WINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn't
believe it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets on
display.

Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darling
kittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,
and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She was
starting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,
just in case she missed something.

Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was that
nasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!
This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just about
ran over to the other pets.

She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, but
not one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds or
golden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.
Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.

On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. As
she furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseeching
look, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He even
sniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started heading
for the exit in a hurry.

All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just as
lonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no one
would probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice pets
available.

So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take the
toad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got to
her car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded to
drive home.

As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from the
box. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toad
might need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could it
hurt?)

She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he kept
winking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,
"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!

And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!

And do you know what our poor widow turned into?

The first motel she came to!

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of
his, also a mute.  In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been
doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit.  I 
can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details.  Seems he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment
program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.
Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist.  They
got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent
damage.  The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,
and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute.  "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replied the specialist."Kindly go into the next room, drop
your pants and lean over the examining table.  I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying a
broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline.  Greasing the broom handle, he
'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.
The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiled the doctor.  "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As 
they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and 
turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,
I did not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go 
on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo 
stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did 
not shit your pants?"  Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my 
pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be 
unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets
 of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your 
pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies 
"I thought you meant today!"

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises
coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked
down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom
light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and
saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell
his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,
"Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?" 

The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor 
asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked 
when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'  

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