Today's jokes [1.23.08]

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The Perfect Day - Her

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light Breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms 

The Perfect Day - Him

    6:45 Alarm.
    7:00 Shower and massage.
    7:30 Blowjob.
    7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
    8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
    8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
    12:30 Blowjob.
    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
         (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
         Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
         Heinekens, nap.
    6:15 Blowjob.
    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
    7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
    8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
         and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
         graphic pictures and large farm animals).
    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
         Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
         (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
          and leave.
    Midnight Blowjob
    Sleep 

   A little girl walks into the bathroom and sees her older sister just
   come out of the shower.
   The young girl looks at her sisters pussy and asks "What's that?"
   Her sister replies "That is my possum, sis!"
   The young girl replies "Oh, OK"
   The next day she sees her mother get out of the shower and a pointing
   at her pussy again
   asks "What's that?"
   Her mother replies "That's my possum!"
   The young girl again replies "Oh, OK"
   The next day she sees her grandmother getting out of the shower and
   once again pointing at
   her pussy asks "What's that?"
   The grandmother replies "That's my possum!"
   The young girl replies "Oh, grandmother, is your possum dead?"
   The grandmother, looking a little dazzled replies "No, deary, why do
   you ask?"
   The young girl replies "Oh, its just that your possums tongue is
   sticking out!"
   

Jon starts working in a lumber camp.  The boss says, "We 
work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at 
ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for 
a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

Dec. 8   5:00 p.m. - It's starting to snow, the first of
     the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat
     by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
     to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

 Dec. 9 - We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
     white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight.
     Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel.
     I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it.
     I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the
     snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with
     compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back.
     I shoveled it again.

 Dec. 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh
     well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely
     winter is over.

 Dec. 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
     dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and
     driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his
     trick again.

 Dec. 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could
     get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.

 Dec. 18 - Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00
     to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The
     damn sky is getting dark again.

 Dec. 19 - Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for
     very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's
     car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She's pissed-off.

 Dec. 20 - Had another 14 inches of the white shit last
     night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned
     snowplow came by twice.

 Dec. 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because
     another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this
     freezing weather it won't melt till August! Got all dressed
     up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit,
     jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc...) then got the urge to
     pee.

 Dec 24 - If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives
     that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
     I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to
     finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles
     an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.

 Dec. 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS... they predict 12 more inches of
     the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many
     damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with
     Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The
     snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him
     with my ice axe.

 Dec. 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind
     or have a severe case of depression.

 Dec. 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to
     cave-in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.

 Dec. 30 - I torched the damned house ... moving back to
     Florida!

Q: What do you get when a blond stands on here head?
A: A smelly burnette.

Sent by Tiffany

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