Today's jokes [1.21.08]

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   It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
   zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
   sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
   in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
   
   He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
   grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
   excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing
   the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
   
   The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play
   along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
   that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one
   of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear
   the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
   
   ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
   
   Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
   door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell
   HIM you have a headache."
   

"Look at me." an elderly Yuppie boasted to his guests at his 
birthday bash. "I've aged like a fine old carefully stored wine."

"I certainly have to agree with that." piped-up his obviously long 
suffering wife. "Henry's cork's been stationary for years."

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side,
it had snowed during the night and everything was
covered in snow.  He looks down and sees something
written in urine on the lawn it reads
"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".

Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "I
hope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For them
to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to
be on my deck.  Please help me find this criminal."

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr.
Clinton we did DNA , urine and handwriting tests.  Do
you want to here the bad news or the awful news first."
Bill sighs "bad I guess".

"The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh!
Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...What's
the awful news?!"

The FBI agents look at each other...
"The hand writing was Hillary's"

        AGE        DRINK
        17         beer
        25         beer
        35         vodka
        48         double vodka
        66         Maalox

A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre 
spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across 
another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor 
and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to 
warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city 
slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he 
responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can 
handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and 
asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear  at the party" The 
man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

Sent by Chris

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