Today's jokes [1.2.08]

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Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the 
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not 
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he 
was right about that too." 

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" 

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?

                    Because he saw the phone bill.

So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.
But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives
him another six months. 

Q: What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement
A: Someone ran out of cement.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step in the showers before they
realize there is no soap. Father John says he has
some soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in
his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets
halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
heading his way. Having no place to hide, he
stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his
dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."
To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and
sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The
third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and
three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries
once more and to her delight she yells...
"Look, hand cream!"

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