Today's jokes [1.15.08]

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Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night?

Yeah, I finally let her out!

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and
was climbing into bed when his wife complained,
as usual, "I have a headache." 
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the
bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository,...
it's up to you!" 

What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?

The nun has hope in her soul.

   A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I
   was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the
   tiny ones for $10."
   
   Husband: "What about one my size?"
   
   Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
   
   Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd
   had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight
   ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
   
   Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
   
   Husband: "That's where they held the auction."
   

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
   comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms
   or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
   him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
   After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
   him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
   orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
   patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
   disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso
   pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
   father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
   The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his
   head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The
   father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
   chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
   By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
   down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs
   pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up
   on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
   right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into
   him and kills him.
   The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
   his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
   bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
   The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

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