Today's jokes [7.29.07]

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   The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the
   house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
   proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local
   hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
   there.
   
   Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she
   was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as
   if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of
   purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind
   him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and
   said "May I have one of those ?"
   
   The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of
   those bastards ?"
   
   Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of
   those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is
both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he 
triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was 
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of 
the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the 
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood 
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good 
morning son." 

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his 
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the 
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together 
staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked 
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

Two kindergarten girls were talking outside: one said,
"You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday--a condom!"
The second girl asked, "What's a patio?" 

   Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days
   who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce,
   they keep the house.

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