Today's jokes [7.19.07]

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It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
   zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
   sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
   front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
   the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
   his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
   in the sheer dress.
   
   The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
   poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
   flirt w/the ape.
   
   She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
   would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
   straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
   to tear the bars down.
   
   The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
   thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
   
   Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
   door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
   you have a headache."

   A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
   ship after a big night
   ashore. As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over
   himself. Pointing to an
   apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in
   the brig for vomiting
   on me!"
   The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that
   the young seaman
   had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
   "Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he`d also shit in
   your pants."
   

A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much
in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me,
Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?"
"No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome?"
"A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of
Jesus."
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And who is responsible, then?"
"I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans." 

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small
boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to
reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to
the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,
placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the
doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and
asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of 
the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as 
far away from humanity as possible. 

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. 
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. 

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one 
day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, 
bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles 
over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." 

"Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local 
folks. Thank you." 

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some 
drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I 
can drink with the best of 'em." 

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some 
fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with 
people. I'll be there. Thanks again." 

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these 
parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been 
alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I 
wear?" 

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be 
the two of us."

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