Today's jokes [7.17.07] Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk. "Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?" "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad. He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries." "Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it." He agrees that it's a good idea and he does. About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again. Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people." He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough." She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the window? That should make a lot of people happy." Again he says it's a good idea and he does. A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I still don't think I've done enough." This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? -Both of them.
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man's face. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I guess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agree the agents, "You're free to go". They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down his face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can't kill my wife". The agents let him leave. They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes the gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13 rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks at both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn't tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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