Today's poems [6.19.07]

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There was a young man from south Boston
Who's car was a small compact Austin.
There was just room inside
For his hair and his hide,
But his balls still hung out, so he lost 'em. 

As His Holiness signed my petition 
               He said,"I take this position: 
                    Here shines a clean mind, 
                    For nowhere can I find 
               A single lubricious omission!" 

There was a young lady of Totten
Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.
She cared not for steaks,
Or for pastry or cakes,
But lived upon penis *au gratin*.

De Ebonics Crimmus Poem


Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz' sleepin';
Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de' heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;

I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
'spectin' de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An' called dem by name!

On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta' mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo' sho';
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley;
He picked da' lock on my doe;
An' I sez to myself;
"Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"

He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I 'xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar's kit!!

Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda' tried to catched him;
But he stoled my 'nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda' mellon;
An' whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon';
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin':
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!

The Killer's Apology

    Here I sit, upon death row 
  Electrodes fastened to my toes. 
 And though I know that I must die 
    I think I should apologize 
To those I know that I have wronged, 
Beaten, strangled, stuck with prongs 
  It was not what I really meant 
  All those deaths were accidents. 

   I did not mean to murder Sam 
   Though I beat him with a ham. 
 He said the meat was much too dry 
  So I used his head to tenderize. 
 And I did not mean to dispatch Sue 
 by filling both her lungs with glue. 
I should have known there were better 
   Ways for us to stick together. 

   I have to say I quite regret 
    Defenestrating my pal Chet. 
   But really, how was I to know 
That window wouldn't just stay closed? 
  Becky's death -- a random fluke; 
My prints were planted on that flute. 
And though they searched high and low 
   They never found that piccolo. 

 I spare a moment for good ol' Jake 
    Who I deposited in the lake. 
 I always thought that he could swim; 
I guess the restraints are what did him in. 
    And oh, how I do miss Peter 
 Though I stuffed him in a water heater. 
 He might not have made it in this verse 
  If I hadn'ta stuck him in head first. 

  Bonnie, my bonnie, my, what a lass! 
      Taken down by methane gas. 
  If I only knew then what I know now: 
  Don't ever mess with a farting cow. 
   And I'll admit, the point is moot 
     Albert I did electrocute. 
   Children, never take this risk: 
  Water and toasters just don't mix. 

   Wendy was an awful  neighbor 
  But I'm sorry about the elevator. 
 I did not know she was in the thing 
When I snipped the cable like a string. 
I'd like to remember my good friend Drew 
   Who I served up in a barbecue. 
It was his idea, really, because you see 
  He always liked to say "Eat Me." 

    I think I was misunderstood 
 When I tied up Katie in those woods 
 She always said she liked the bears 
    So I put honey in her hair. 
    Alan claimed he was a jock 
   So I crushed him with a rock. 
 His boast that he was made of steel 
 Was something rather less than real. 

 No one was more surprised than Joan 
That ferrets stripped her to the bone. 
  Reflecting, I see I was foolhardy 
 To place bacon up and down her body. 
    Mike had on an amazing grin 
  When I set him in liquid nitrogen. 
 I did not do so for the hell of it; 
  I wanted to put him in his element. 

    Bob declared I was a buffoon; 
 I set him aloft in a weather balloon. 
But there is not one who felt more grief 
When that balloon popped at 45,000 feet. 
   Jeremy was timid, Jeremy was shy 
I placed him in an oven and set it on fry. 
I should have known better, that this was not 
The way to help women to think he was hot. 

So you see every death was quite accidental 
I would not blame you if you thought I was mental. 
 But I would say that it is rather as such: 
My problem was just that I cared too darn much. 
    Now here I go, to meet my God 
And all of my friends that I put in the sod. 
I have just one wish, if you lean close to hear: 
It's to help them up there as I helped them down here. 

                                                    -- John Scalzi 

copyright(c) John Scalzi

John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia.
For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com

  

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