Today's jokes [6.5.07]

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   A Synopsis of the Microsoft Car
   At a recent computer expo (Comdex), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
   computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
   up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
   driving $25.00 cars that get 100 miles to the gallon." Recently,
   General Motors addresses this comment by releasing this statement,
   "yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
   Below is a synopsis of the Microsoft Car: Every time they repainted
   the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. Occasionally
   your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just
   accept this, restart and drive on. Occasionally, executing a maneuver
   would cause your car to stop and fail, and you would have to
   re-install the engine. for some strange reason, you would accept this
   too. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
   bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
   Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
   five times faster, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of
   the roads. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
   upgrades for their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
   The oil, gas and alternator lights would be replaced with single
   "general car fault" lights. The airbag system would say "Are you
   sure?" before going off. If you were involved in a crash, you would
   have no idea what happened.

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the 
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to 
see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room 
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-
D. 
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face. 
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so 
Dad can see when he gets home tonight." 
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly 
having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? 
How do you spell 'zilla'?"

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult
you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that
I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and
then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd
like to make a little change..." 

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
from his mother asking him to send her a current photo
of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let
her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half and sends her the top part. 
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture
in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the
photo. 
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.  A few weeks
later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it
makes your nose look short!" 

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair.  The 
first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, 
because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not 
even down there." 

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband.  He says, "I've 
never seen anything like that.  Please tomorrow, ask her to go
into the bedroom and show you.  I want to hide in the closet so 
I can have a look."  

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go 
into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.
Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it.  Can I 
see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.  That 
night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're  
satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl 
asked to see mine." 

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had 
the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me." 

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