Today's jokes [6.4.07]

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Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.
They were discussing the fact that if they go
for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes,
but if they take the cigarettes with them, they
will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl
walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top
of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry
cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The
ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep
your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside
of a condom."
     The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a
condom. When the pharmacist asks, "What size?" one of
the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."

Age        Succesful Date
        
        17         "tongue"
        25         "breakfast"
        35         "She didn't set back my therapy."
        48         "I didn't have to meet her kids."
        66         "Got home alive."

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and
then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says "Watson, do you
see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you
deduce from it?"

Watson yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the
weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny."

"No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."

Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me a
prescription for the Pill."
"I don't think you need the Pill at your age."
"It relaxes me."
"But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not for
relaxing," exclaimed the physician.
"I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and every
morning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feel
more relaxed. 

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.
Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want
to name them without him seeing them first. But
the hospital insists that the babies must be
named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie
overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to
the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the
happy couple are set to name the babies when a
nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took
care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and
doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he
pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl
Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.
And how about the boy?" "Denephew." 

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