Today's jokes [6.3.07]

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The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained to
   the Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.
   
   When she had finished, the husband's lawyer rose to his feet and
   coolly replied, "Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typing
   of the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bed
   'bored'."

What's sicker than sick?

masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty year
old daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from San
Francisco to Washington. 

"For gods sake!" he screamed, "Someone could have attacked you
and raped you!" 

"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him
down. "As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to
Washington, because thats where they have the best treatment for
sexually transmitted diseases." 

   THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
   young man.
   
   Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look
   how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two
   hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
   
   Then the old man gestured at the bar.
   
   "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed
   that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me
   own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
   
   Then the old man points out the window.
   
   "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as
   far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back.
   I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
   McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
   
   Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is
   paying attention.
   
   "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
   

   Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
   The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
   One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
   shit?"
   

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