Today's jokes [6.16.07]

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A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when 
they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out 
of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd 
then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed. 
The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it 
no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the 
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. "I'm sorry to bother you," he 
said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell
me what you are doing?" Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, 
"Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of 
canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so 
I don't break an axle".

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in 
one tent while the wives used the other.
At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, 
unbelievable!"
Which woke Ed.
"What's going on?" said Ed.
"I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted.
"How come?" said Ed.
"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my
life!" said Ted
After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"
"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.
"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.

    A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit
   hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the
   rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and
   was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
   pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had
   become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The
   driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
   highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
   She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel
   terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
   it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She
   went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to
   the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the
   rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw
   at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit
   stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50
   yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. The man was
   astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
   woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in
   your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned
   the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair
   spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Millennia Year Application Software System



  This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
  system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
  firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
  the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
  
  Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
  to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
  month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
  look at MYASS.  As for the status of the implementation of the
  program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
  one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
  after MYASS expands.
  
  Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
  on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
  not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
  noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
  of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
  the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
  never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
  her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
  relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
  again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
  was ready to kiss MYASS.
  
  I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
  initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
  eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however,
  protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
  database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
  as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
  into MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
  commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
  employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".  This program has
  already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
  and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
  representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
  information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
  our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
  out of MYASS."

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