Today's jokes [6.15.07]

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Holiday Party Festivity Levels

Level I: 

     Your guests are conversing quietly, nibbling at their hors d'oerves,
     and sipping their drinks. Later, some of the gather by the piano to
     sing carols while others admire the ornaments on your tree. 

Level II: 

     Your guests are talking loudly, wolfing hors d'oerves, and drinking
     from the bottles. Some people gather by the piano to sing "I Gotta
     Be Me" while others begin rearranging your ornaments. 

Level III: 

     Your guests are arguing wildly among themselves, those that haven't
     passed out from the upside-down margaritas. One person is singing
     "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", which can barely be heard over the
     sound of breaking ornaments. A small group of guests begin placing
     hors d'oerves in the piano to see what happens when the little
     hammers strike. 

Level IV: 

     Your guests, hors d'oerves smeared over their naked bodies, are
     performing a ritualistic dance around the burning Christmas tree.
     The piano is missing. 

In general, you want to keep your party around Level III, unless you rent
your home, have insurance, and are carrying firearms. The quickest way to
get to Level III is egg-nog. 

Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a
bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" 
Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"
First man, "Want to come camping?" 

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the 
front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is 
"beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use 
"beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room, 
thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful 
woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. 
Little Frankie, your turn." Little Frankie walked to the front of the 
room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning
was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very 
good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn." Little 
Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, 
"Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and 
he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful." 

Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple 
wakes up.
Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!"
Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I 
am the husband!"

Sent by Ser

What is the difference between a jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips.....

Sent by deadcatz

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