Today's jokes [6.12.07]

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Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.
Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum. 
Suzie asked, "You wanna play doctor?" 
Johnny replied, "NO, that too old fashioned.
Spit out you gum, I wanna play president."

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this
   party they were at
   the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got
   home and blew chunks.
   2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was
   pulled over and given
   a DUI! 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I
   picked up a
   prostitute and my wife caught us in bed! 1st guy: No, no.. you guys
   don't understand!
   Chunks is my dog.
   

    The Reverend

   Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
   exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
   had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was
   feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon
   as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
   town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
   wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
   Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
   morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
   Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
   exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
   The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton
   hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
   of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
   ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
   did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going
   to tell?"

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

Did you hear about the woman who has five legs?


                    Her knickers fit her like a glove!

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