Today's jokes [5.9.07]

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A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a
cell with a huge evil looking guy.
The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or 
the wife?"
The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess 
I'd rather be the husband."
The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat 
grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.
 The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. 
Please, give me no more than 20.'   And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion.  You
will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
 God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey.  You shall
 swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,
and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the  clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me  no more than 10 years.'  
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth.  You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years.
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years
the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.'   And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.  Then, he 
is to  have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 
10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

   The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of
   work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was
   looking to get married.
   
   As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug
   store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough
   birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored
   douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you
   don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?"
   
   She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't 
sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that 
I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I 
do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor." 

A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip. 
Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company. 
Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives.  Without preamble the hooker
says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is $500, and that's
for a hand job."  "$500 for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man
exclaimed. " No hand job in the world could be worth $500!"  The hooker
summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below. 
"See that cherry red Maserati down there?  I own that because of what I can
do with my hands."  Against his better judgement, the man pays the $500 and
sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual
experience of his life.  After he recuperates he says to  the hooker, "God
that was fantastic!!  How much for a blowjob?"  "$2500," the hooker replied. 
"$2500 for a blowjob?"  Cried the astonished man.  "That's way too much!" 
Again the hooker summons the man to the window,  this time  pointing across
the street.  "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? 
I own that because of what I can do with my mouth." " Oh no," moans the man,
"this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."  Once again the hooker
takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure
he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified. 
As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know.  How much
do you get for pussy?"  The hooker drags the man to the window for a third
time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on
the corner?  I could own that if I had a pussy!"

Sent by TJ

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