Today's jokes [5.4.07]

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The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft.  "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied.  "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."

How to be a Good Wife

Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook


Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a 
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you 
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. 
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good 
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be 
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in 
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of 
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. 
His boring day may need a life.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of 
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school 
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. 
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, 
and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's 
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if 
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he 
would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise 
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the 
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile 
and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't 
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with 
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. 
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in 
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his 
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, 
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the 
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to 
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to 
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home 
and relax.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where 
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

Mommy,mommy:can I play with grandma?

               Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last weeek!



                mommy,mommy:I hate daddyis guts.

                 shut up kid and keep eating.


sent by omar

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,
to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god you
look so depressed. 
She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...six
dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to
spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread. 
Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase? 

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