Today's jokes [5.3.07]

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Two neighbors had been fighting each other for
nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and
teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. 

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the
bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a
half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being
ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front
of Bill's house. 

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the
18-wheeler. 
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly. 

Q: What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits?

A: 20 class rings fell out.

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of 
golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the 
second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for 
me?".
The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."
So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to 
his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".
"Sure!", says his buddy.
"Where did it go?", the first guy asks. 
The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember." 

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff 
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made 
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. 

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey 
Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general 
shot him dead. This continued for three days. 

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and 
decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" 

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The 
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

The Math Test 


California officials have determined that students would probably do better with math word 
problems, if they could relate them to real life examples. Towards that end, may I present:

                                      The City of Los Angeles
                                 High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:_______________________________ 
Gang:___________________________

   1.Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 
     times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he 
     has to reload? 

   2.Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to 
     Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he 
     doesn't cut it? 

   3.Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks 
     will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit? 

   4.Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of 
     cut will he need? 

   5.Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has 
     stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800? 

   6.Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law 
     wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, 
     and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 

   7.If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, 
     how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint? 

   8.Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of 
     the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? 

   9.Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month 
     welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children 
     should she have to keep up with her expenses? 

  10.Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail 
     bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?

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