Today's jokes [5.21.07]

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"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the 
landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the 
housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might 
add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent 
is paid up for six months!"

These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing and one sperm
   asks the
   other...Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube???
   Sperm #2 says "Naaaa
   this is still the esophagus".
   

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song.  Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities.  After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded.  The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow.  When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.


One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the
delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top
of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says
to the doctor, "Are you my dad?". 

The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby pops
right back inside. 

"Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push
through again. 

"Are you my dad?", asks the baby. 

"No, I am your doctor.", he replies. 

Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. 

The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's father
in here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!". Moments
later the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's head
once again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. 

The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" 

The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead
with his index finger--"How do you like that?" 

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't 
be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and 
theft."
Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the 
house is robbed while it's burning down. 

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