Today's jokes [5.15.07]

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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were 
getting ready to go out on dates. The first 
beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm 
here to pick up Betty. We're going for 
spaghetti, is she ready?" 
No. The second beau came to the door and said, 
"I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to 
the show. Is she ready to go?" 
No. The third beau came to the door and said to 
the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck. 

Why do blondes use so much shampoo? 

     The instructions read: LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT 

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call."

A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she 
replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the 
difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.
One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.
He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucket
please?"
The assistant asked"Pardon sir?".
"Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. 
"Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied.
The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for his
bucket and went into the antique shop. 

In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -
"Can I have a cock please?" 
The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". 
The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" 
The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." 
So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. 

The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and
asked "Can I have a bum please?" 
The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". 
So he repeated himself "Can I have a bum please?". 
The assistant said " Oh right, you mean a bun!". 
The old man said "Yes that's what I said in the first place."
So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. 

As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to
him and asked "Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?"
The man replied "Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while
I get my cock out." 

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