Today's jokes [4.6.07]

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How do you play Iraqi bingo?

F18...B52...F18


Sent by Onky

   Camel Died
   A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few
   days the camel falls
   over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither
   one of them will
   survive the rest of the journey.
   The priest asks the nun "I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at
   this point it probably
   wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?" The nun agrees and shows
   him her breasts.
   "May I touch them?" The nun allows him to. The priest comments
   sincerely how
   wonderful they are. The nun then asks "Father, I have never seen a
   man's penis before,
   could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
   "May I touch it?" After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a
   huge erection. The
   priest says, "you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can
   give life!" "Is that
   right" the nun replies?
   "Yes," says the priest.
   So the nun said: "Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and
   lets get the hell out of
   here!"
   

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and
   bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to
   Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a
   day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first
   wish?"
   Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint
   grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
   the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back
   with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
   with Clint.
   The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can
   only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your
   wish today?"
   Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his
   horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
   horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse
   comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee
   with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical
   white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
   The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white
   man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The
   Indians bring him his horse.
   Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
   my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage...
   Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
   heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
   just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
   explains that he must not be in tune
   with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
   is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
   So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
   walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
   can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
   go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
   the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
   is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
   care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
   don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
   wife is jumping up and
   down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
   am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
   The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
   stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
   this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
   explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
   financial needs as a Man!!!"
  
   TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK
   What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the
   Oregon-California border.
   LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
   LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
   MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
   DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
   MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
   FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
   RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
   HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
   PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
   WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
   SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
   BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
   MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
   MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
   DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
   LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
   KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
   SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
   MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
   MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
   PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
   ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
   RANDOM ACCESS
   MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore
   wife asks
   MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

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