Today's jokes [4.28.07]

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A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
   small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
   "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
   "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
   Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
   The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
   "It doesn't work!" she yelled.
   "What do you mean?" asked Mom.
   "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
   whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
   cider."

                          Democrats V. Republicans
                                      
                         What it all boils down to
     
   
ISSUE           | DEMOCRATS             | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals       | Give them a second    | Give them the swift
                | chance                | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor        | Give them some food   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered      | give them protection  | Give them the swift
species         |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators       | give them a way out   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured   | Give them some        | Given them the swift
                | health care           | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost        | $9,000,000,000,       | $29.95
                |    000,000,000        | (cost of one sword)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
  

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle.  One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.  If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.  If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours.  If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.  If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.  If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday 
afternoon."

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find
out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,
and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be 
refereed to as "HE" because: 

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the 
time they are the problem. 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had 
waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better 
model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to 
as "SHE" because: 

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is 
incomprehensible to anyone else. 
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory 
for later retrieval. 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find 
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

   The American in Hong Kong was talking to his wife one evening over
   supper. "Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours
   claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one."
   
   "Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type
   expression, "must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."

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