Today's jokes [4.25.07]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer
tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Some professions

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl 
enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked 
children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you 
the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 
you will look forward to the trip.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly 
drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was 
followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then 
about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man 
following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My 
wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" 
"My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second 
hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as 
well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around =
the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi.

Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the =
Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his =
stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he =
kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself.

"Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the =
accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you =
believe, man?"

"Aw, heck no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking."

"Checking? Checking for what?"

Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: =
"Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!"

Two men are having an awfully slow round of
golf because the two ladies in front of them
managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and
rough on the course, and they didn't bother to
wave the men on through, which is proper golf
etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man
said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those
gals to let us play through." He walked out to
the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped,
turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't
do it. One of those women is my wife and the other
is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway
there and, just as his partner had done, stopped,
turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!" 

By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read Today's Stories Today's Poems Today's Quotes Today's Funny Pic   April '07 Jokes Issues: S M T W Th F St 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30