Today's jokes [4.23.07]

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Tombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: Our largest 
condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's 
favourite form of birth control!  This is a true disaster!"
"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power 
to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.
"I do need your help," said Clinton.  "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.
"Oh, and one more small favour, please?" said Clinton.
"Oui?"
"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in colour, at least 10" long and 
4"  in diameter?" said Clinton.
"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up 
and called the President of Trojan Condoms.
"I need a favour, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 
'dem to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great!  Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at 
least 10" long and 4" in  diameter."
"Easily done.  Anything else?"
"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM'
on each one."

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on 
the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. 
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,
what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he
asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here
with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

I have lived in several different houses with a bunch of guys. Needless
to say things got pretty rowdy sometimes and many were victims of some
pretty funny jokes.  One of the favorites as I recall (and still is) is
to go into the bathroom while the victim is taking a shower, and pour
a bucket of extreeeemmmlly cold water on them over the top of the
shower curtain.  This is quite a shocking experience, and if you are
fast enough you can get away before the victim finds out you did it.

I remember one guy I lived with getting this all the time.  One time
he got sick of putting up with it and jumped out of the shower into
the hall squirting shampoo at everyone in sight.  The next time this
happened the guys were ready with a camera to take pictures of him as
he ran out of the bathroom.  These pictures were later shown at his
bachelor party.

   Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved
   from across the bar.
   "Who is that babe?" one said to the other. "I'd sure like to get her
   spread out on my
   sheets." "No you wouldn't," said the other. "She's hung like a
   doughnut."
   

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