Today's jokes [4.10.07]

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   Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very
   polite. While taking
   dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving
   the room she said,
   "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."
   He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his
   zipper was open. So,
   he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back
   into his office. "By the
   way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this
   morning, did
   you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?"
   "Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran
   sitting on two duffel
   bags."
   

    Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's
   got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says,
   "What's in the bags?"
   "Sand," answered Juan.
   The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike."
   The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
   finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the
   sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
   the bags.
   The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto
   the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
   A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you
   got?"
   "Sand," says Juan.
   The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
   contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
   crosses the border on his bicycle.
   This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
   Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a
   Cantina in Mexico.
   "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.
   It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....
   I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
   Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Why is pubic hair curly?

If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.

                    Do-It-Yourself Country-Western Song
     
   
I met her __________    _____;  I can still recall _________
             (1)        (2)                        (3)

1.                      2.                      3.
on the highway          in September            that purple dress
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's           that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun          that burlap bra
at a truck stop         wrestlin' gators        those training pants
on probation            all hunched over        the stolen goods
in a jail cell          poppin' uppers          that plastic nose
in a nightmare          sort of pregnant        the Stassin pin
incognito               with joggers            the neon sign
in the Stone Age        stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a treehouse          with Merv Griffin       the hearing aid
in a gay bar            dead all over           the boxer shorts


she wore; She was ______  _____,
                    (4)    (5)

4.                                  5
sobbin' at the toll booth           in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                 but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies         by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne              near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie        with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny              when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail      on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail               with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                  with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand           with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                in her muu-muu


and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
             (6)      (7)        (8)

6.                                   7.                    8.
no guy would ever love her more      I promised her        stay with her
that she would be an easy score      I knew deep down      warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if       swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore    I told her shrink     change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"     The judge declared    punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore    My Pooh Bear said     live off her
it was a raven, nothing more         I shrieked in pain    have my rash
we really lost the last World War    The painters knew     stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said        hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for      My hamster thought    pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core      The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor    Her rabbi said        salivate


She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
                (9)                               (10)

9.                            10.
our love would never die      run off
there was no other guy        wind up
man wasn't meant to fly       boogie
that Nixon didn't lie         yodel
her basset hound was shy      sky dive
that Rolaids made her high    turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye     freak out
she loved my one blue eye     blast off
her brother's name was Hy     make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"       black out
that birthdays made her cry   bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie     grovel

___________; _________ goodbye.
   (11)        (12)

11.                       12.
with my best friend       You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel               I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard            She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist          I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"         I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot              She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on        She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club        She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag             I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru             But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor            She sealed me in the vault and smirked
  

Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot ?
A. Because you couldn't get that much shit into a shoe.

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