Today's jokes [3.2.07]

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and 
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing 
the same thing to them at funerals.

A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:
"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE
WORLD"
No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced
during the survey's implementation:

1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"
2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"
3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"
4. In South America no one knew what is "please"
5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"

    A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
   they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
   following symbols in order of appearance.
   1. A dog
   2. A donkey
   3. A shovel
   4. A fish
   5. A Star of David
   They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
   least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
   of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
   all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
   They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
   they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
   their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
   looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
   as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
   statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
   they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
   The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
   even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
   intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
   the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
   food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
   were evidently Hebrews."
   The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
   said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
   interpretations."
   Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
   said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
   say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
   read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
   again..... It now says:
   "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"

Q. How do you keep the neighborhood kids off your front lawn?
A. You molest them!.

Whats the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vaccum? 

     - With a vaccum, the dirtbags on the inside 

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