Today's jokes [3.16.07]

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This freelance journalist discovered Adolf Hitler was alive and well and
living in South America.  He managed to wrangle a 'once-in-a-lifetime'
interview with Hitler on the condition that he was not to reveal where
Hitler was living.  He went to this interview, and lo and behold, yes, it
was Adolf Hitler, looking very old.  He interviewed him, asking him all
sorts of questions, and as a final question, asked "What are you doing now,
in the twilight of your life?"

Hitler replied "Hah!  Twilight of my life!  I'll have you know that I am
secretly putting together the 4th Reich, right here in South America!  This
time we'll do it right.  We have a foolproof plan - this time we will kill
EVERY JEW in the world - and 6 MEXICANS!!!".

The journalist asked  "...but...but....but why 6 MEXICANS??"

Hitler jumped to his feet and yelled "SEE, I TOLD THEM THAT NO-ONE GIVES A
SHIT ABOUT THE JEWS!"

Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine? If so, have 
I got one for you! Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water soluble, 
crystalline red dye. Mix some into the persons wine and wait for them to 
take a leak. (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it goes in, and people have 
a tendancy to get really nervous when they start peeing what they think is 
blood! 

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".

A young man fell in a pit one day, and found a 
magic lamp with a genie inside of it. The genie 
said, 'I will grant you three wishes.' The man's 
first wish was to get out of the pit. **POOF** 
He was instantly transported out. He then wished 
for all the gold in the world. **POOF** 
The genie gave him all the gold nuggets in the 
world, all the gold bars, all the gold pebbles, 
etc. The man could not think of anything for his 
third wish, so he went out for a ride in his 
Ferrari. He turned on the radio, and after a few 
minutes, his favorite song came on. He decided to 
sing along: 
'Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner...' 

   A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
   husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
   was such a good idea.
   
   The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
   
   She said that she did.
   
   He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
   
   She said no.
   
   The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
   shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
   take care not to get pregnant."
   
   The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal
   sex?"
   
   The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
   

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