Today's jokes [3.13.07]

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What's the difference between Christopher Reeves and OJ Simpson?
Christopher Reeves got the electric chair!....and O.J walked!

   IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement
   This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
   IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest
   of us may find it rather funny.
   Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse
   balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate
   or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
   Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
   balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
   Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
   underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
   foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon
   manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
   pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off
   method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
   excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of
   ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.
   It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
   maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer
   missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
   necessary items.

What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeter
dick?

Nothing....  They all make your eyes water.

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.
'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'
Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.
'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'
Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his 
parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the 
mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of 
tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom 
of his closet.
'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want 
to see your mother again...'

   German Shepard on Golf Course
   
   A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when
   his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt.
   Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their
   relationship had been purely platonic.
   They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse
   where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.
   Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran
   up and threw a bucket of water on them.

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