Today's jokes [2.26.07]

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Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a 
city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's 
that, Miss?"
Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your 
Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."
Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that 
ain't a fucking pig!"

What's a accordion good for?

     Learning how to fold a map. 

Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon?

They're only good for one period and have no second string.

Weight Control



Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per
hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
   (depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . .  75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man 
who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at 
the bowlegged man." 
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a 
person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, the boy had to read 
a play by Shakespeare. He couldn't go shopping again until he finished 
reading the play. 
Finally he finished and his mom took him out again to the mall shopping. 
Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but remembered what happened the last 
time. 
So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, "Lo, what manner of men are 
these, who wear their balls in parentheses?"

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