Today's stories [11.10.07]

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Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day! 

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He 
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. 

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, 
who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest.  Needless to say, 
she won. 

Hi Sue, 

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had 
bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately at work, 
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's 
not so bad after all. 

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with 
a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the 
bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It's a wetsuit. 

This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm 
is this:  We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This 
$20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a 
delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the diver through a 
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn 
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, 
when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff 
it down the back of my wetsuit.  This floods my whole suit with warm 
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. 

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to 
itch.  So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse. 
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from 
my 
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.  
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my 
suit. 

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't 
stick to it.  However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I 
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the 
jellyfish into my ass. 

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted 
the dive. 

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops 
totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber 
dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing 
but my brass helmet. 

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter 
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub 
it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. 

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my 
asshole was swollen shut. 

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much 
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass! 

Tight lines and calm seas, 
Richard 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
5 and 6 year-olds. After explaining the commandment "Honor thy Father
and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our brothers and sisters?

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

The Criminally Stupid Bank Robber


In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into a local branch and wrote, "this iz a
stikkup.  Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and
that they might call the police before he even reached the teller
window.  So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the
Wells Fargo teller.  She read it, noticing all of his spelling
errors.  She quickly surmised that he wasn't the brightest light
in the harbor.

Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.  The Wells
Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

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