Today's jokes [11.30.07]

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At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with 
battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)?
 A leisure centre. 

Test Yourself: Are You a Neanderthal?



    As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern man.  His
descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo Sapiens.
If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score yourself
on this test:

1.  Do your eyebrows meet in the middle?  If so, give yourself five points.
2.  Can you lock your knees in an upright position?  If not, take five
    points.
3.  Got a chin?  If the answer is no, add three points.
4.  How about a forehead?  If not, add another three points.
5.  Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head?  Then give yourself
    five points.
6.  Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth?  If you do, add ten
    points.
7.  Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
    in a chair?  Take five points.
8.  Is your head attached vertically to your neck?  If not, add one point for
    every five degrees of slope.
9.  Less than five feet tall?  Add one point for every inch under.
10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
    inch of difference.
11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
12. Pigeon-toed?  Five points.
13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club?  You're
    normal--no points.
14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold
    an apple?  Add five points.
15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way?  Add fifteen points.
16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not?  Give
    yourself ten points.
17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
    Take five more points.
18. Is your nickname "Duke", "Butch", or "Animal"?  Three points.

Scoring
  0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens.  Feel free to build
               bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
 20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
               have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all
               fours and whooping wildly.  If you live in California, no one
               will notice.
 40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
               avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
               you away.
 60-80 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant.  You should consider
               a career in pro football.
80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
               place for you in human society.  Try running for public office
               instead.

   The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to
   come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed
   his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward
   and say, "Give me all your money...and I need some change in quarters,
   nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was
   the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out,
   "That isn't what I said."

   One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
   home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that
   story.
   
   The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to
   tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
   
   "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
   truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
   we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
   road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
   "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
   
   Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
   take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
   8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
   story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
   hatched."
   
   Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
   plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
   crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
   way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
   the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
   gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
   20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
   with his bare hands."
   
   Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
   moral to his story.
   
   Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
   

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