Today's jokes [11.28.07]

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A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus,"

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Age         Line

17         My parents are away for the weekend.
25         My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35         My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48         My wife is away for the weekend.
66         My second wife is dead.

What goes: Clip Clop Clip Clop BANG Clipidy Clop Clipidy Clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting. 

   A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford
   the stud service so he goes to the Vet.
   
   Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't
   afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
   
   Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes
   on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out
   of the farmer's price range.
   
   Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything
   else?"
   
   Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough
   to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs
   out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields
   and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll
   get them pregnant."
   
   Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"
   
   Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next
   day."
   
   So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put
   the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later
   that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the
   next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and
   drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking
   around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes
   back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week
   and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks
   his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
   
   Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"
   
   Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back
   of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."
   

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests 
came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks 
great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at 
peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up
in the middle of the  night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the
bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith,  'That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he 
said, "George is  just fine.  Physically he's great. But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets 
up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then 
poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Oh God!  He's peeing in the fridge again!"

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