Today's jokes [11.1.07]

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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and 
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, 
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield 
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. 

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the 
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young 
woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black 
leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus 
rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that 
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the 
bus' first step. 

So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she 
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this 
would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the 
step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and 
unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the 
step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg 
because of the tight skirt. 

So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the 
offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make 
the step. 

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her 
up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. 
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, 
screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who 
you are!!!!" 

At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you 
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind a figured that we was 
friends."

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water
cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria 
said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked 
me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then
use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your
dress and you'll have fantastic s*x!"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as
hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees
in a day.His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe
his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working
fine.

The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a midwest town he planned to 
visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well 
groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep 
him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been 
operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a 
dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've 
never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and 
disorderly. and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, 
indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for 
you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

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