There once was a man from Leeds Who swallowed a package of seeds. Great tufts of grass Sprouted out of his ass and his balls were covered in weeds!
A Redneck's Ode to Valentines Day! Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we're in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta wits. And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me Back in '74. Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape Yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles And stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd. When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old Like a '67 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, It's romantic that way. Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you. I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds it's a new trollin' motor.
There once was a girl of Siam Who said to her lover, young Kiam "If you take me, of course, You must do it by force But, thank God, you're stronger than I am."
"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, "In a long-distance telephone booth, I enjoyed the perfection Of an ideal connection--- I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
There was a young girl of Bavaria Who thought her disease ws malaria. But the family doc Remarked to her shock, "It is in the mercurial area."
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