God, I was  wondering...how long is a  million years to you?"
God answered, "Son,  a million years to me is like a second to you."
So the man asks, "God  how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God  answered, "Son a  million dollars to me is like one penny to 
you."
So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God  answers, "Just a  second son."

In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep
   with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord 
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. 
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed 
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour 
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour 
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and 
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. 
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a 
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to 
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't 
understand." 
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay 
to cook?"

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

     To get away from the noise.

What does a blond and a turtle have in common?

When they lay on their backs they're screwed!