How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

He doesn't know when to come in

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be 
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he 
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and 
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the 
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and 
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an 
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, 
pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. 
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. 
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, 
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and 
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more 
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding 
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, 
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking 
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could 
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this 
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / 
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and 
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with 
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these 
god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. 
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm 
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope 
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem 
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and 
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

   A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells
   the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
   
   The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on,
   a dog can't do everything."
   
   The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way!
   A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do
   everything, damn it!"
   
   The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie,
   the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you."
   
   The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede
   doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything
   ... I'll try a centipede."
   
   He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen."
   
   Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate.
   All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away.
   The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed.
   He's absolutely amazed.
   
   He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room."
   
   Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has
   been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the
   sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the
   most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do
   everything."
   
   He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says,
   "Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please."
   
   The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes
   later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie.
   
   The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have
   been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no
   Charlie!
   
   The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run
   away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie?
   
   He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting
   right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45
   minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's
   the story?!"
   
   The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will
   ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"
   

Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . " See 
those guys over there ? " Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask 
them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting 
at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One 
of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then 
walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks?" 
he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski.

   Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.
   
   The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then
   reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger
   feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below
   his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to
   start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the
   tongue, again in the same place.
   
   He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just
   lick me twice in the butt?"
   
   The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer
   and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."