Today's jokes [1.31.07]

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What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of Notre Dame?

Virgin on the ridiculous.

One morning Bill Clinton wakes up. He looks out side,
it had snowed during the night and everything was
covered in snow.  He looks down and sees something
written in urine on the lawn it reads
"I hope YoU GeT ImPeAcHeD".

Bill calls the FBI and says "Someone has written "I
hope you get impeached" in urine on my lawn. For them
to write it in the spot it's in they would have had to
be on my deck.  Please help me find this criminal."

The FBI agrees and comes back a week later. "Well Mr.
Clinton we did DNA , urine and handwriting tests.  Do
you want to here the bad news or the awful news first."
Bill sighs "bad I guess".

"The urine belongs to Al Gore" Bill grabs his chest "Oh!
Al, my best friend my partner, my vice president...What's
the awful news?!"

The FBI agents look at each other...
"The hand writing was Hillary's"

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than
it does today ??

We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

God and the Computer

In the beginning there was the computer.  And God typed:
     
        %>Let there be light!
        #Please login.
        %>login God
        #Password?.
        %>Omniscient
        #Password incorrect. Try again.
        %>Omnipotent
        #Password incorrect. Try again.
        %>Technocrat
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
     
        %>Let there be light!
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
        %>Create light
        #Done
        %>Run heaven_and_earth
        #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
     
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
        %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters
             which are under and above the firmament
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
        %>Create firmament
        #Done.
        %>Run firmament
        #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
     
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
        %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
             and let the dry land appear and
        #Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
        %>Create dry_land
        #Done.
        %>Run dry_land
        #And God created the Earth & Seas. God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
                  
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
        %>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
        #Unspecified type. Try again.
        %>Create sun_moon_stars
        #Done
        %>Run sun_moon_stars
        #And God created the sun moon and stars. And God saw there were 0
             errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
              
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
        %>Create fish
        #Done
        %>Create fowl
        #Done
        %>Run fish, fowl
        #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
             that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and
             every winged fowl after its kind.
        #And God saw there were 0 errors.
        #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
                  
        #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
        %>Create cattle
        #Done
        %>Create creepy_things
        #Done
        %>Now let us make man in our image
        #Unspecified type. Try again.
        %>Create man
        #Done
        %>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
             and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl
             of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the
             earth
        #Too many command operands. Try again.
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 6 errors.
        %>Insert breath
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 5 errors.
        %>Move man to Garden of Eden
        #File Garden of Eden does not exist.
        %>Create Garden.edn
        #Done
        %>Move man to Garden.edn
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 4 errors.
        %>Copy woman from man
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #Execution terminated. 2 errors.
        %>Create desire
        #Done
        %>Run multiplication
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in  
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
        %>Create freewill
        #Done
        %>Run freewill
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in 
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
        %>Undo desire
        #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
        %>Destroy freewill
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Help
        #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Create tree_of_knowledge
        #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in 
             Garden.edn
        #Warning: No time limit on this run of multiplication. 1 errors.
        %>Create good, evil
        #Done
        %>Activate evil
        #And God saw he had created shame.
        #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
            Garden.edn.  1 errors.
        %>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
        #Search failed.
        %>Delete shame
        #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
        %>Destroy freewill
        #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
        #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
        %>Stop
        #Unrecognizable command. Try again
        %>Break
        %>Break
        %>Break
        #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN 
             FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. 
             PLEASE LOG OFF.
        %>Create new world
        #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old
             files before new ones can be created.
        %>Destroy earth
        #Destroy earth: Are you sure you want to destroy earth? (Y or N)
        %>Y
        #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY,
        #MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
        #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
 
        #MARCH 8 AT 6:01 AM
        #Please login.
        %>login God
        #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER MALFUNCTION
        #USER FILE CORRUPTED * PLEASE SIGN IN AS NEW AGAIN
        #SORRY FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
        %>NEW
        #PLEASE ENTER A USER NAME TO BE USED ON THIS SYSTEM
        %>God
        #NAME ALREADY TAKEN * PLEASE CHOOSE ANOTHER NAME
        %>who is God
        #God = B.GATES * NO FURTHER INFORMATION AVAILABLE
 
        #And NEW logged off

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a
building on fire.  A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her
pet cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."

"No," she cries, "It's too far."

"I play football, I can catch him."

The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to
Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch
it.  He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed
catch.  The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into
cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his
knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

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