Today's jokes [1.30.07]

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It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president
had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back
of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,
when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog." 

   The Hazards of Kicking the Cat
   There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day
   doing his chores. He
   was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the
   yard. He was feeding
   the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He
   was milking the cow
   and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it,
   too. His mom had been
   watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork
   for a month
   because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his
   dad got home. His dad
   came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked
   that cat across the
   room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to
   tell him or am I?"
   

How does a Russian commit suicide? 
     He smells his armpit 

How does an American commit suicide? 
     He tells this joke to a Russian.
 

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if
there is anybody in room 27. She goes and checks, and comes
back to the phone, telling him No, the room is empty. 

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go 
to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to 
him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love 
almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost 
every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love 
Tuesday..." 

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