Today's jokes [1.22.07]

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Three Republicans walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve Republicans here."
The Republicans say, "That's OK...We don't serve you either.

Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to take
your pick?
Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.

Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad 
and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that 
my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he 
actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."
Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick
replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried 
to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with 
friends and relatives.  His father tried every way possible to get 
Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, 
video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and 
forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to 
quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle 
stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the 
room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without 
Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.

For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be 
seen and the card players continued without any further 
interruptions.

After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, 
"What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a 
peep from him all day!"

"Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to
masturbate."

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S
"What's that?", the patient asks.
"It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis."
The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds,
"We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but
pancackes."
"Why only pancackes?", asks the patient.
The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."

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