A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino
and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags.
I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home." 

On visting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him
sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible "What are
you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," repied the lawyer. 

First snake:I hope I'm not poisonous.

Second snake:Why?

First snake:Because I bit my lip!

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait
a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of
a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he
starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he
leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with
him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.  When
they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are
being played in the reverse order in which they were
composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for
the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's
just decomposing!"