Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree? 

'cause he was dead...

Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree? 

'cause he was dead too...

Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?

peer pressure...

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some
candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair
on the floor. 
"Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber. 
"Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl! 

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him 
that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in 
heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him 
a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who 
says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your 
stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - 
St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, 
one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the 
luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel 
says to the other,  "My goodness!  Fidel has been in hell no more than
ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll
never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position
for lovemaking."
"Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?"
"Back to back."
"But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back."
"Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out." 

Q: What does a women do with her ass in the morning???
A: She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work....