One day a boy asks his dad,
"What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" 
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."
He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she
was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that
brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy." 
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and
furry it is?" 
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt." 

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at 
low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions 
to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the 
anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." 
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.  

Why I Fired My Secretary 

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. 


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. 


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room. 


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks. 

   The Hat

   An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
   Instead of buying a
   new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
   vestibule. When he
   got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew
   where he had to sit
   and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After
   church, the man met
   the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and
   told him "I want to
   thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal
   a hat and after
   hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
   Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
   mind?"
   Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.
   As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"