Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided
to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and
tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the
rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to
his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last
moment.

He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and
cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging,
he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the
flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the
water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he
died ... of exposure! 

Mu boyfriend's sister had come home earlier than normal
from a basketball game and the aunt asked,
"Why?  Did the game get rained out?"

Government as Usual:

The White House freed $250 million to promote a new sex
education program. "It teaches marital fidelity," says Argus
Hamilton. "It sure gets expensive when Bill Clinton and
Dick Morris start theorizing."