A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
 doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an
 advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like
 heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
 He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
 loss program.
 The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
 there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
 dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
 neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
 company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
 without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
 A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
 his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last
 time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
 does business.
 For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
 happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
 enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat
 more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
 calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
 loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
 like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
 be like this time.
 As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
 answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
 a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
 stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces
 herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
 reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
 shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
 her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is
 wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
 the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
 and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the
 sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
 pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
 losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
 Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
 subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
 you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
 rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
 felt  this good in years!  The next day there comes a knock at his
 door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
 and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative
 of the weight loss company.
 The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

Have you heard the one about the . . . .

    . . . recent survey on cigarettes which found that
   90% of the men that tried Camels still prefer women. 

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a
light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,
actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that
they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER
THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE
12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a 
car pulls over next to him. 

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a 
piece of candy." 

The boy refuses and keeps on walking. 

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man 
driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces 
of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. 

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. 
"OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all 
the candy you can eat." 

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he 
says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have 
to live with it!"

                        Best Analogies Ever Written
                                      
                             Originally from a
                                      
                          Washintgon Post Contest
     
   
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"
contest.  (Actually most of them are similes --but... whatever)

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at
a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)


She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that
used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you
banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)


The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag
filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)


From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)


Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)


Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the
center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)


Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  (Unknown)


He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy
Chase)


The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)


Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a
movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like
"Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)


The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the
Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)


They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)


John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin
sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a
play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)


His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)


The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.